While I was obtaining my certificate in Spiritual Formation a few years ago, I was introduced to the Enneagram and the personality types behind each number. I quickly realized I fit into the 9 perfectly, and from that have been intrigued by how that knowledge has played into my spiritual walk with the Lord. Every few weeks I meet with my Spiritual Director, and I absolutely love when she brings up how something I’m feeling or an emotion I’m dealing with fits into my personality type. On one hand, it’s incredibly comforting to me that I am not an anomaly–there are other people who would respond in the exact same way as I am to a particular situation. On the other hand, it can be a little disappointing to realize that I am living into the unhealthy side of my personality, knowing what I could achieve for myself.

With this knowledge, I have come to realize that I cannot stand failure. When I perceive to have failed at something, I want to give up on that particular try. Give up, sweep up the mess, come up with a new plan, and start over fresh from day 1. I’ve done this many times with this blog (I have quite a few private blog posts that I’ve written over the years), I’ve done this with my health (can’t tell you how many times I’ve said I would start fresh on Monday), I’ve even done this with games (I want to start my Animal Crossing island over because I feel I’ve neglected the current one for too long!). In my mind, it’s cleaner not to pivot and fix what you started, but to clear everything, start fresh, and try again.

This past week, I’ve been very down on myself for not being able to write my daily blog post. I had a plan for this month: two a day until vacation, where I would schedule them to release while I am without internet access. Perfect–a little bit of hard work on the front end for a time of relaxing and staying true to my plan.

But then sickness and exhaustion hit. My son is supposed to be transitioning to one nap for daycare (isn’t happening), he has reverted to waking up at 5:30am (hard on both my husband and I), then we dealt with his cold, immediately followed by a stomach bug that went through our entire family. To say I am exhausted this Monday morning would be an understatement.

So I am feeling sad and defeated with myself for not stepping up and getting my blog out. I’m feeling like, once again, here’s Rachael the failure, unable to complete the thing she set out to do.

But when I ask the Lord about it, I don’t feel like a failure–I feel like a human. I feel like we had a rough week. I feel like blogging every day is a lofty and worthy goal, but I’m allowed to not be perfect. And I’m reminded that the Lord told me to write, so if I’m still writing every week, am I not still doing what he’s asked of me?

When I started 2024, I had a specific vision for how I saw it playing out. My plans have already changed dramatically as I’ve allowed the Lord to lead. But that doesn’t mean I am a failure, instead, I think the Lord is highlighting my humanity. And as a person who cannot see what the next hour has in store, I have to trust the Lord to guide me into those minutes, those hours, those weeks, this year. I am not guaranteed tomorrow. I have to be okay with that. And I have to be okay to realize when something isn’t working and pivot.

I don’t want to be the person who gives up and starts everything over again. That’s not healthy in the long run and that’s not a sustainable way to live life. Instead, I want to be the person who recognizes where the plan needs to change, re-evaluates their capacity, and pivots. I want to stay rooted in what the Lord is calling me to do.

So, dear reader, today I say that I am not a failure, but I have the opportunity to pivot and continue forward. This weekend I decided that I would try to post more prayer prompts, as those are so important to my own heart and spiritual journey, and I’ve decided that the most important thing is to take each day as the Lord leads.