Before I became a mother, I didn’t really think about the emotional burden of balancing motherhood and the life I was already living. When you become pregnant or are thinking about pregnancy, it’s natural to have conversations with your partner about the various situations you know will arise: returning to work, childcare, changes to daily schedules. The true burden can come through the situations you did not predict, nor begin to plan for–a fussy baby, a long commute, an infant who does not sleep…

Before I had my son, I didn’t really consider the emotional toll of bringing an infant to daycare, leaving him with caregivers through the day, picking him up for lunch, feeding/entertaining him, working a full day, all before driving 45 minutes home in the rain/holiday traffic/congestion/etc., to then care for him the rest of the evening before getting him into bed and being woken up 3-4 times during the night. I dreaded going back to work because I was so focused on the fact that neither of us was sleeping well, and I dreaded having to figure out a balance that was going to work with a huge change to our schedule.

At some point, you have to ask yourself what it means to have balance. I have learned that balance is not equal energy to all of your responsibilities, but an ebb and flow of what needs more of your attention day to day. Some days, my son needed me in the middle of the night, so I couldn’t give 100% to work the next day–it was physically impossible. But I could show up and give 70% and hold off on a few things until the next day. Or let’s say work was especially taxing–my son still needs 100% of me every day, but we can read, and snuggle, and have a more relaxed evening before going to bed. Sometimes, bottles, pump parts, and dishes had to sit next to the sink so we could prioritize sleep. Sometimes balance means letting go of the wants to focus fully on the need.

As a new mom, I tried to give 100% to everything. Unsurprisingly, I felt like I was failing at it all: I wasn’t the employee I was before maternity leave; I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be; I wasn’t the wife and homemaker that I desired. I wanted to throw in the towel–tell the world I was done and I couldn’t live up to the expectations placed on me, so instead I was choosing to live under a rock.

And while yes, there were some external pressures, most of it was my own internal thoughts of how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to be put together. I wanted people to think I was handling it all. I wanted to work hard, and be the mother my son needed. But I couldn’t do it to the standard I thought was expected of me.

Eventually, my son started sleeping through the night. Eventually I started to feel more like myself–my body was healing, my brain lost a little of the day-to-day fog, and I was sleeping more. Once I was a little more rested, my perspective changed, and I started to recognize the extreme pressures I was placing on myself.

No one (besides me) cares about the cleanliness of my house on the day to day. Leaving dishes in the sink, or only doing what you need for the next day, is okay. You will be able to catch up at some moment.

Not doing anything after the baby is in bed and going right to sleep is okay. If you cannot function when you are tired, then honestly, the most important thing you can do is sleep.

If you are in a healthy work environment, there will be grace while you are adjusting. It’s okay to say you won’t be able to get something done that moment, but that you’ll prioritize it on XYZ or think it would be better handled in another way.

Remember–we as mom’s are the most judgmental of ourselves. The people around you are not analyzing your life to figure out what you’re doing wrong–they have enough issues of their own to worry about. We are the most critical of ourselves.

Let’s spend some time asking the Lord, “Father God, what does balance look like in my life right now?” Write down what you think or feel in the moment, and ask yourself if it feels true to you. Reassess. What would it look like for you to create that balance? What would it look like for you to let go of your version of perfect and accept God’s expectation of you?

I’m still learning. Every day I ask myself this question. And every day the Lord is showing me what it means to be kind to myself, to create life-sustaining balance through motherhood, and to lean on Him and His promises. God gave us the gift of our children; if we allow Him to, He will sustain and guide us into the balance we need and desire.