A dear friend asked me that question the other day: what have you been writing?
It speaks more toward her confidence in me than my confidence in myself. What have I been writing? Well, nothing that feels of any significance. Through the pandemic I wrote a few scripts for a children’s devotional series. I wrote a devotion on Psalm 46 as part of a chapel series. I’ve tried to write in my prayer journal, and find myself at a loss for words.
What have you been writing?
I’ve been trying to blog on and off for a few years now, with the previous attempt ending in June of 2019. And I look back and I think, wait, why did I stop writing then? What caused me to lose interest in a past time that has gripped me for years and I always turn back to? And then I remember: June 2019 was when I gave up trying.
Back in October of 2018, I started a new job in my department with The Salvation Army: Young Adult Ministry Coordinator. You would think that a title with the word ministry in it would mean that I would be doing what I love, but unfortunately it was far from the fact. I was a glorified event planner, overwhelmed by the scope of the responsibilities and constantly heartbroken by what felt like a loss of a career path and dream. By June I knew I had failed. I would sit down in my office and cry, wondering how I would make it through the next event; the next thing; the next person who needed me. I remember shutting down and tuning out from the world. I was disappointed in myself and disappointed in God: why would he give me something I thought was the right next step, a path that I could be excited about and focused on, only for it to turn out so horribly? I remember tuning Him out, determined that I could not have actually heard His voice when I had accepted the job, convinced I didn’t really know how to hear from Him.
By October of 2019, I was hired as an admin assistant in the same department. Lower pay, less vacation, far from anything I knew I wanted to be or do. And there I have been for a year now. I took another job to make up for the difference in pay–so I went from my 9-5, straight to a 5-9: twelve hour days, 3-4 days a week, only one day off of both jobs on Sundays. I’ve continued to work this shift to this day: through a pandemic, through uncertainty, through long weeks, and sometimes what have felt like unending months.
I don’t say that so you’ll feel bad for me: quite the contrary. I am setting up a picture to show you that today, even when not a single thing has felt like it’s gone right in two years, the Lord is still faithful. I’m hoping that in the coming months I can open up more about how hard October 2020 was for me, but suffice it to say that if it has meant bringing me into deeper relationship with the Lord, then I will accept it. I won’t be happy for it and I won’t lie and tell you that I wouldn’t change every single thing that happened this past month, maybe even the past two years, but at the same time I can feel the Lord holding me near, cradling me when I need to be comforted, and encouraging me when I feel I have nothing left to give.
So let’s give this another go together and see what the Lord has in store. I don’t want to stress goals, views, subscribers, anything–but over and over I return to the same question, and this time, I want to be able to answer something.
What have you been writing?