It’s a simple question: why am I writing about 2018 when it’s not even January anymore, but February? Why have I taken two full months off from writing this blog?
Honestly, these past two months have been a struggle, and I’ve felt like I didn’t have any sort of calling or purpose to work towards.
Every day I go to work and struggle with purpose. Yes, I can see the good that my job does, but is this where I’ve landed? Is this what I’m meant to do?
When I get home, I’m exhausted. I don’t have the mental energy to do anything, to write, to read, to pray. My relationship with God in November was on track and flourishing, and then I didn’t have the capacity to pick up my Bible and focus on His word.
In October, God told me my husband was going to get a new job. Sounds crazy, but I have the date and promise written in my prayer journal. At the time, I thought I knew what that meant, but I had no idea that God had something on the horizon that hadn’t even occurred to me. When the first opportunity left, I was confused: Lord, what did you mean when you told me that? It was literally the following weekend that my husband told me he was applying to a new position and my heart skipped a beat–Father, really? This can’t be what you meant either…
I prayed heavily for my husband–that God’s will would be done and that He would guide us through the process. Boy, did God show up, and to this day He keeps affirming the call he’s placed on my husband’s life and guiding us on the pathway He’s set out.
Then there’s me.
In December, I applied for a new job. A raise, further developing of my skills in marketing, and working for the non-profit that I love. I feel called to The Salvation Army, to dedicate my life to it, so I was looking for a way to grow within it.
I had two interviews in December, and to this day, I still haven’t heard anything besides a note from HR saying it would take “several weeks.”
December and January were rough. I don’t want to get into too many details, but it seemed like my husband and I could not get ahead. On top of that, I kept seeing injustices done to those I loved.
Every turn was something new financially, to the point where we had to take money out of our house savings just to cover all of the surprise expenses that piled on at once. Cars, health insurance, job problems–it all piled on and I was feeling overwhelmed in so many ways. I kept crying out to God, but again, I wasn’t spending that time focused on Him and I sure wasn’t trying to listen to Him.
This week was the one year anniversary of when I asked my mentor to be my mentor. I was sitting in a prayer ministry session with her when we prayed about mentorship and God placed her name on my heart. At first, I was certain it was simply because she was so sweet and loving and kind that I wanted to ask her. But I followed the word I received from the Lord and talked to her about it.
That decision literally changed my life.
The Lord placed a new calling on my life in the form of prayer ministry and The Salvation Army. It’s all I want to do, it consumes my thoughts, and sitting in on a session, listening to the inner healing that people receive is always a blessing. I live for those sessions and praise God for all He does.
In January, I had to skip a time I planned to go to Connect Up in Pennsylvania and receive further training. It was too much: the cost, the travel time, taking off from work. I literally felt so exhausted that I would be unable to make it, and I tearfully canceled my trip a few days before. I felt like not only was everything going wrong, but even the thing I loved the most I wasn’t able to “do right.”
This past week, during our one year anniversary, God spoke to my heart. Again, he confirmed my gift as a writer. Through my mentor and her husband, He affirmed my place in prayer ministry. And God poured into me worth, and love, and confirmed my calling through even my own individual prayer ministry session. It was wonderful, and strengthening, and so needed.
I felt like maybe I was getting lost–like I didn’t have a place. God has shown me that I do, and has shown me that I need to stop trying to take control. I simply need to turn everything over to Him. It’s beautiful to know that we have a God that wants to take control of the mundane, the small things, all the way to the large, pressing issues.
Nothing has changed: finances are the same, don’t know anything about the job, still love prayer ministry with all my heart. But I trust that God DOES have a plan and is implementing it. When I feel like I don’t have a purpose, my promises from Him remind me that I do.
Thanks for starting 2018 with me. 😉